As I write, my family is entering our third week of sheltering in place. Our “life as usual” is over for now, and a new normal has set in, a new normal that is not ideal. We miss our friends, we miss the classes in our community that anchored our week, we miss our parish family, we miss the Holy Mass.
Thankfully, my kids are finding creative outlets, playing board games, and coming up with inside COVID-19 jokes. My youngest started a vegetable garden with Daddy, and she is keeping a gardener’s journal to track the progress of her wee buds. While we have had tensions given we are stuck indoors together 24/7, my kids seem to be getting along well, perhaps because they have a sense that they are witnessing something historically significant. Perhaps they are drawing closer to one another because we humans seek out our attachment figures when we are alarmed or feel a social threat.
It is not unusual for children to become moody and reactive at times like this when our lives are impacted so dramatically. Some of you have shared with me that your children are bickering, or one of your children is deeply impacted by the sudden change to their routines, and it is coming out in their behavior, sleep, or eating.
Particularly for children who attend a traditional school setting, finding themselves learning from home can be a shock in many different ways. The shelter in place orders and school closings happened rapidly, so some kids came home from school on a Friday, not knowing they would not return to school on Monday.
At this time, parents are grappling with unique challenges. We don’t really know what the near future holds for us — for our families or our country. So our children’s well-being weighs on us all. Life has thrown us a curveball, and we’re trying to catch it without letting it smack our kids in the face.
I want to encourage you like a big sister or a good friend would. While many things are uncertain for us right now, I know for certain that you have everything your child needs. In fact, you are the answer to your child’s needs during this crisis. I am no expert on how to navigate a pandemic, but I can offer my prayers for you as a sister in Christ, and I can share with you my own intuition about how we can support our kids right now.
1. Take the Lead
Knowing who is in charge and what to expect is a fundamental human psychological hunger, even at ordinary, uneventful times of life. This is how God wired us. This hunger is amplified during a time of crisis, particularly in children. One of the best things we can do right now is to take a strong lead with our children.
What do I mean by this?
As I explained in this podcast, children have a natural drive to lean on us, to depend on us. These cues from them move us to be the answer to their needs. It is a natural dance. This is called the alpha relationship: the parent is in the alpha-caretaking position reaching down to provide care while the child reaches up ready to be cared for.
At times like this, when we are living in a state of unrest as a society, we must step into the lead now more than ever. Our children need to be able to depend on us to meet their needs for safety, belonging, and significance.
Dr. Deborah MacNamara wrote about the pandemic recently:
“It is our relationship that provides safety for our children in a world that has turned upside down and where there is a sense of alarm everywhere. Our children will follow us to wash their hands, to stay inside, to play, to read stories, to learn – all because of relationships. We must work hard to be their answer in the days ahead in order to lead them through this storm.”
She is right. We have to become our child’s answer, we have to take the lead to get them through this.
We can’t order our child to depend on us or to follow our lead. We have to take the lead and, if our child is attached to us, he will follow. We take the lead by nourishing our child’s attachment needs. We give him our soft eyes, our sincere regard, and our warm invitation to remain close when he needs it.
This isn’t a big event; it happens naturally in the course of the day. It can be done at the table while we’re doing our own work, on the couch while we read side by side with our child, or in the kitchen while making breakfast together.
Our strong lead comes through not only in what we do, but who we are. When our child senses that we have life under control, that we are confident everything will be okay, that we trust in God’s care, that we are finding graces and blessings in being at home, our confidence will give our children confidence that all is well.
2. Maintain Rituals and Routines
One of the best ways to give a child a sense of security during a time of upheaval is to stick to his usual routines as much as possible, and, if you have to make new routines, stick to those. Good news! I’m doing a whole series on rituals and routines on my podcast, so be sure to check out those shows as they come out.
Think of all the things you do regularly as a family. Bedtime rituals, Wednesday night mac & cheese, Friday family movie night, daily family devotions, even singing the same song while you do the dishes together. Your family faith rituals, including morning prayer, Lenten devotions, liturgical crafts and teas. All of these provide structure, and that structure meets a child’s need for certainty, as described above. Whatever is familiar to a child will create a quiet knowing for him, a confidence that he knows what is coming next (even if we don’t!).
While many of us miss our parish communities and we cannot attend Mass together right now, we are finding new Sunday rituals for our families, including streaming Masses and drive through Confession. Put these on the family calendar front and center so your child knows it will happen and when.
If your child is attending school remotely, and this is new for your family, create a schedule for your child and review with him in the morning what he’s doing that day.
I recommend posting a daily schedule that includes faith, school, and leisure activities, so your child knows what to expect as the day unfolds. You can include in this plan your own work schedule.
3. Make Room for Your Child’s Emotions
Given the dramatic changes to their lives recently, there may be times when our children seem irritable, sad, or angry. This can trigger our own wounds; we can take their behavior personally or try to talk them out of their feelings because their feelings stir us up and make us uncomfortable.
The thing is, feelings are just there. Our children can’t chuck them out like a wad of gum. Because they feel unsettled or uneasy, they might behave in irrational ways or lash out at us or a sibling. How a child expresses her emotions can be sloppy and damaging; that is where we have to come alongside her to help. But our job is not to dam up the feelings.
So, make it safe for your child to have all her feelings, even the ones that push your buttons. This doesn’t mean that how she expresses those feelings is always okay. Sometimes we have to coach our child in how to express emotions in ways that protect her relationships, but this coaching should happen without shaming the child for the emotions.
Gordon Neufeld said in a class I took with him, “Emotions have work to do. They move us in ways that serve us.” Even when our child’s emotional expression is chaotic and immature, the emotions are not a mistake. They are there for a reason. For example, if your child is disappointed because he can’t go to school, clearly it is not your fault. It isn’t anybody’s fault. But he may be sad. Let him have the sadness for a day or two, so he can let go of it. The sadness has work to do for your child. The sadness is what helps him let go. That is why the sadness is there.
Ensure in your schedule planning that you leave plenty of time for your child to play. Play is a key outlet for a child’s emotions, especially ones they don’t understand or can’t articulate. Expressive arts (writing, dancing, painting, music) for older children are very powerful at times like this. Older kids might be hesitant to talk about how they’re feeling, so these art forms can give shape to the feelings in a non-threatening way.
4. Help Your Child See His Strength
When your child cries because he can’t see his friends, has a tantrum because Grandpa can’t come over, or becomes frustrated with his online schooling, lead him through it. Then, when it’s over, point out that he managed to get through something that was hard for him. Help your child see how strong and resourceful he is in the face of surprises and setbacks.
Children become resilient not because we clear their path of obstacles, but because we give them the tools they need to scale them.
When the time comes when we can all go about our lives again, when Mass returns, when school reopens, point out to your child that God helped your family get through it, and that you are stronger because of it.
Then There’s You
Finally, be kind to yourself. You need the same things as your child right now. You are God’s kid. Let him lead you through the uncertainty. Stick to your prayer rituals. Stick to the routines that bring you comfort. Know that God can handle all your emotions, including your fears, sadness, and frustration. Lean on him as your child leans on you. When this is over, you will see that you are stronger and wiser than you knew.
Resources
Discipleship Parenting: Planting the Seeds of Faith. I recommend my book, especially chapter 3 for understanding the importance of play for children’s emotional health, and chapters 4 and 5 for understanding the role of emotions in spiritual development.
9 Ways to a Resilient Child by Justin Coulson. Practical strategies to help children bounce back from adversity.
Image credit: Lacheev (dreamstime.com)