Every married couple has occasional disagreements. Sometimes disconnection is unavoidable – it’s just a part of living together with another human being. How long should the grass be cut? What’s a reasonable bedtime for a toddler? How long should in-laws stay for a visit? Sometimes our answers to these questions will differ from our spouse’s answers, and the interesting conversations begin. This is not bad. It’s often through these little disconnections that we actually learn more about each other, and after dealing with the underlying reason for the disconnection, we are closer than ever.
At other times, though, conflicts are avoidable. Often these avoidable conflicts start as small disagreements that grow into painful ruptures that hurt both husband and wife. In my marriage to Philip, the avoidable conflicts are often the result of our making assumptions about the other person’s intentions.
I recently heard Catholic author Tim Muldoon share a tip for how we can avoid discord in our relationships. It’s called the Ignatian presupposition or plus-sign. It applies to any relationship, but it’s particularly important and helpful for us in our marriages. David Fleming, S.J., explains it this way:
“For a good relationship to develop . . . a mutual respect is very necessary. … Every good Christian adopts a more positive acceptance of someone’s statement rather than a rejection of it out of hand. And so a favorable interpretation . . . should always be given to the other’s statement, and confusions should be cleared up with Christian understanding.”
Basically, we give the other person the benefit of the doubt; we give the best possible interpretation to their words or actions. This is hard. We usually want others to judge us by OUR intentions, while we judge others not by THEIR intentions but by the way their words and actions affect us. How often are we astonished when our spouse is angry with us when our intentions were so wonderful? But then we fume when our spouse hurts our feelings regardless his or her intentions. We don’t care about the intentions; we just fixate on our hurt feelings. This creates a tension and possibly a rupture that could have been avoided entirely.
So, perhaps we can try to live more with these principles in mind:
- Let’s assume our spouse has good intentions, even if what he/she says or does hurts our feelings. Because the truth is, our spouse almost always has the best of intentions.
- Let’s try to understand our spouse’s unique personality and perspective. Let’s try to understand better why particular things that we say or do might hurt him/her even if they wouldn’t bother us.
We have to ask questions, ask for clarification, and, when we miss the mark, we apologize. Not only will living with these principles improve our marriage, but they are good for our parenting. Our marriage models for our children how to treat others in close, intimate relationships. When we practice the Ignatian plus-sign with our spouse, we are modeling for our kids how to have empathy and respect for their own spouses some day.
This is such simple advice, but it’s powerful. And hard. I wish I could report that I always practice the Ignatian plus-sign, but to be honest, sometimes my pride and stubbornness rear up and I act like a jerk. But I know the more I practice, the easier it gets. As Saint Paul reminds us, in our weakness, God’s strength can be revealed!