“Authentic married love is caught up into divine love.” 

Catechism of the Catholic Church, Section 1639.

In this podcast, I share John Gottman’s “4 Deadly Horsemen of Marriage”: 4 unhealthy communication habits that are very destructive to our marriages. It’s interesting to note that after many decades of research, Gottman found that it’s not conflict itself that causes serious marital issues, but rather how the spouses manage the conflict. I review the 4 deadly horsemen and suggest some healthier alternatives for getting your point across during conflicts with your spouse.

Here’s an overview of the 4 habits we want to avoid:

Criticism: Gottman doesn’t see a problem with complaining, when it’s focused on a particular issue. Criticism is different. Instead of focusing on an issue, it attacks the spouse’s character; weakens trust.

Contempt: Contempt is seen in sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, and eye-rolling. The contemptuous spouse looks down on the otehr spouse. Contemptuous communication is the single biggest predictor of divorce.

Defensiveness: Putting up a wall of denial, usually in response to criticism.

Stonewalling: Shutting the other spouse out by refusing to talk or walking away.

We can make different choices that actually strengthen our connection to our spouse, even when we are disagreeing!

Resources

The 7 Principles for Making Your Marriage Work by John Gottman. “John Gottman’s unprecedented study of couples over a period of years has allowed him to observe the habits that can make—and break—a marriage. Here is the culmination of that work: the seven principles that guide couples on a path toward a harmonious and long-lasting relationship.”

How to Heal Your Marriage and Nurture Lasting Love by Gregory Popcak. “God has put you and your spouse together for a reason and it’s not to argue. You are bonded together to cultivate in each other those virtues that lead to sanctification. That’s why this book isn’t just about saving your marriage it’s about transforming it into a joyful, loving relationship.”

image credit: Getty Images

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