“Hell begins with a grumbling mood, always complaining, always blaming others… but you are still distinct from it. You may even criticize it in yourself and wish you could stop it. But there may come a day when you can no longer. Then there will be no ‘you’ left to criticize the mood or even to enjoy it, but just the grumble itself, going on forever like a machine. It is not a question of God ‘sending us’ to hell. In each of us there is something growing, which will be Hell unless it is nipped in the bud.” C.S. Lewis, The Great Divorce.
One of my Lenten sacrifices is to stop complaining. Now, I’ve always thought I was sort of a closet complainer – that I mostly complained to myself or at least to a limited number of people. I figured that most of my friends perceived me as positive and good-natured, but with certain unfortunate souls I probably complained too much.
Take my adorable husband Philip. I frequently complain to him about the state of our house. We bought our house 10 years ago as a foreclosure. It was built in 1968 and was mostly original. Hideously original. Oh, and falling apart. I remember Charisse Tierney wrote an article on our old blog entitled, “The House Where Things Come to Break,” and I thought, “Hey, I live in that house!” I thought after 10 years we’d be done fixing it up, but our old, lumpy house is a never-ending project. I also complain too much to Philip about how late he works, how late he sleeps in, and how much time he spends playing computer games. I’m not sure why, but he still seems to think I’m pretty nifty and seems happy to see me every day.
So, I stopped complaining about these things on Ash Wednesday. I have slipped a few times, but mostly it hasn’t felt terribly hard to give it up. I’ve been thinking I don’t have much of a problem with complaining after all. But then I came across this wonderful YouTube video by Father Mike Schmitz about complaining. Since watching it, I have become more aware of things I complain about. I’m much more than a closet complainer; I might be a chronic complainer.
Fr. Mike points out that when somebody asks us how our day is going or how we’re doing, we are often quick to point out the negatives in our lives. He will often point out to people that he is backlogged with emails, that he has a homily to tackle, that his knee hurts, or that he has a cold. He doesn’t want to become “a grumble,” as C.S. Lewis calls chronic complainers. So, he is trying to change his own attitude.
He is working on noticing how everything he complains about is connected to either an opportunity or a gift that he can be grateful for. When he complains about all the emails backed up in his in-box, the complaint is connected to a great opportunity: there are people who trust him and want his help, and he can actually help them. When he complains about having to write a homily for Sunday, the weight is connected to an amazing opportunity to preach God’s word to a lot of people who want to hear it.
Even when he’s sick and complains about it, he realizes that underlying his discomfort is a gift: there were far more days that he was healthy. And being sick helps him realize what a gift breathing is because he’s struggling to do it right now! We often don’t realize the gift we have until it’s taken away.
Fr. Mike is not denying that being sick or being overloaded with work is hard or annoying. He’s just pointing out that there’s always an opportunity or gift connected with these difficult things. And he does affirm that we all need somebody in our lives we can confide in when we are struggling. His point is that we don’t want to make a habit of constantly pointing out negative things, or always seeing the glass half empty, and doing so with most of the people we interact with. Because then we become the grumble. We ARE our grumbling; it becomes one of our character traits.
So I am thinking about the little things I grumble about and how I can look at these things the way Fr. Mike suggests.
- When I want to grumble about how busy I am with homeschooling every day, I can remember that this is connected to the opportunity I have to shape my children’s minds.
- When I want to grumble about being tired from preparing for and teaching my homeschool language arts classes, I can thank God that my students’ parents trust me with their kids and that I that have an interest and passion to share with these kids.
- When I want to grumble about my grass being dead because of the drought here in California, I can recognize it as an opportunity to learn about native plants to refresh my back garden, and to teach my children about weather patterns and gardening.
- When I want to grumble about the haze of sleep deprivation, I can recognize that I’ve had many mornings when I’ve slept well, and that this is a gift.
- When I am tempted to grumble about my back aching, I can realize the gift I had for many years of having a healthy back.
When I think about the complaining that I acknowledged and wanted to work on during Lent, I realize now that I was practicing self-control in not complaining about our house or Philip’s habits, but I did not have this deeper insight about the gifts and opportunities connected to these things. I can actually be grateful for my old house. Even though it does need a great deal of work, I thank God that we have it because we didn’t think we’d ever be able to buy a house in California on one income. And I can thank God for the gift of memories I have made with my family here. My kids have never cared about the 1960s interior. And Philip’s sleep and work habits? Well, because he tends to stay up late and likes it, he puts our kids to bed, spending nearly an hour every night reading stories and tucking them in. I am grateful for that gift.
I’m having a hard time coming up with opportunities or gifts connected to some things I complain about, like our dog leaving saliva stains all over our furniture from licking her front paws or like my kids forgetting to do their chores or like my van being overdue for a cleaning by about 2 years. Maybe they are opportunities to learn patience or to buy dark furniture covers.
One thing Fr. Mike doesn’t mention that I believe is important: No matter how great or small our suffering or burdens, we can offer it all up to God for the sake of others. So life is filled with opportunities to bless others when we “offer it up” for them.
I hope I can become the kind of person who looks at life’s aches, pains, and irritations, whether they are temporary or permanent, and give thanks to God for all of the gifts and opportunities he’s given me because of those things, not despite them. Yes, we can be grateful for our burdens!
This is especially important for parents, because when we complain and grumble about our parenting tasks or about our children, we are living in a mere shadow of the life God wants for us. We can look for the gifts and opportunities in our parenting; we can truly be grateful in all things. Then we will live out more confidently and joyfully the mission God has planned for us as parents.