This article is adapted from an excerpt from my book Discipleship Parenting: Planting the Seeds of Faith.

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Securely attached children respond relatively quickly to gentle redirection and guidance from their parents; they see their parents as their best bet in the world. For these children, their parents are like a compass helping them get their bearings especially when the world seems disorienting. It’s our ability to be this compass for our kids that allows us to guide them and transmit our culture and values to them. A problem arises, however, when a child depends on a peer to meet his attachment needs. It’s called peer orientation. Many loving, well-meaning parents are blindsided by it. Dr. Gordon Neufeld has studied this phenomenon through a cross-disciplinary lens for many years.

What Is Peer Orientation?

Peer orientation happens when children emotionally orbit around each other rather than their parents and other adults who are responsible for them. Understand that peer attachment and peer orientation are different. Peer attachment is very natural in our children: It’s very exciting to be with people who are like them. Peer orientation, on the other hand, is damaging and unnatural because it pulls the children toward their peers at the same time that they are no longer moved to attach to their parents. A peer-oriented child turns to her peers to be the answer to her yearning for closeness, sameness, belonging, and significance, while at the same time moving away from her parents to be the answer to these needs. This doesn’t work, because children aren’t meant to be responsible for meeting one another’s needs.

Peer orientation has become an increasing problem in our culture, and it’s believed to be at the root of many psychological problems in today’s youth, including bullying, anxiety, superficiality, and a failure to launch successfully into adulthood. Peer orientation is a uniquely modern phenomenon. In the mid-twentieth century, as family ties weakened, “youth culture” (which did not exist one hundred years ago) became increasingly accepted as normal. Throughout history, culture, traditions, faith, and even vocabulary were transmitted vertically, from generation to generation. Now they’re transmitted horizontally, kid to kid. Parents are led to believe that this is healthy, but it isn’t.

As Neufeld stresses, just because something is normal (common) does not mean it’s natural or healthy.

Neufeld isn’t suggesting that our children shouldn’t have friends. Of course, friendships are great for our kids. Playing and exploring an interest with a friend is fun and a wonderful opportunity for kids to practice social skills. But our children should be learning most social skills from their grown-ups. They shouldn’t care more about what their friends think of them than they do about what we think, and they shouldn’t be depending on their peers to fulfill their attachment needs. In healthy development, a child’s primary attachment figures are her parents, as they facilitate and support her emerging sense of self. A peer-oriented child uses peers as her compass – she looks to them for her sense of identity, for emotional support, and for messages about what’s acceptable, good, and desirable in the world. Disastrous.

Why It’s Hard to Parent Peer-Oriented Children

The context for raising our children is sabotaged by peer orientation. We lose our power to parent because we’ve lost our children’s hearts. The peer-oriented child doesn’t really care much what we say or do, so we can’t guide her. She’s often filled with counterwill, resisting our guidance over even small matters, so it’s nearly impossible to discipline her effectively, unless we resort to increasingly severe threats and punishments. Even if she responds to these threats and punishments, it’s usually only because she wants to get us “off her back,” and not because she cares about us or the lesson we’re trying to communicate. As the problem becomes more serious, the peer-oriented child may try to dominate us by taking the lead in setting rules and making plans. She may become bossy and prescriptive, and demand that we give her what she deserves. Very unpleasant.

Avoiding Peer Orientation

The best way to avoid peer orientation is not to court it. Because many parents are peer oriented themselves, they think it’s natural for their kids to obsess about peers. Know that it’s okay to de-emphasize peer relationships, even in the teen years. Prioritize family time, especially family play rituals. Be a benevolent presence when your child is enjoying social time with friends. Replace peer-centric activities with multi-family or adult-led activities. Most important: Remain the answer to your child’s yearnings for love and belonging, and make it clear that you are on her side, even when she messes up.

What can you do if your suspect your child is peer-oriented? I’ll cover that topic in my next article!

Resources

Books:

Discipleship Parenting: Planting the Seeds of Faith (My book about creating a healthy home environment where the seeds of faith can take root and flourish. I look at attachment science through the lens of faith development.)

Rooting Your Teen in the Faith: A Field Guild for Catholics Parents (My book on nurturing teen faith. I address peer orientation in several chapters of the book.)

Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers by Gordon Neufeld. A book that changed my life, Hold On to Your Kids is Dr. Neufeld’s ground-breaking analysis of the problem of peer orientation and substitute attachments in today’s youth.

Podcasts:

“How Attachment Gives Us the Power to Parent”

“The Problem with Substitute Attachments”

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