“Parents have a unique responsibility to care for themselves so that they’re better equipped to care for the children and others placed in their care.”
My children and I sometimes take a lazy morning drive down a country road up in the hills outside our town. It’s called Morgan Territory Road. We have friends who live up there, but occasionally we drive past their property and wander up higher into the hills to enjoy the quiet and beauty. The road leads up and over the hills and down into a nature reserve. The views can be spectacular, with vast breathtaking drops opening up to rolling grasslands, rock outcrops, and old oak trees. However, the road snakes and twists and dips, and there’s no guard rail on either side of the road. We enjoy these drives, but I’m always alert, knowing I have to keep a complete picture of my surroundings to have good judgment while I’m driving out there.
Gentle Catholic parents can be a little like a driver on Morgan Territory Road. We have taken the road less traveled, a road that’s breathtaking and a little unpredictable. It’s pretty fantastic, we wouldn’t miss it for anything, but there are some challenges, too. To really enjoy our journey on this road, we need to be aware of our surroundings – especially our interior landscape. We need to attend to “where we are” spiritually, physically and emotionally so that we continue safely down the road, enjoying the journey.
Your willingness to give your children whatever they need to feel loved and treasured, to arrange your life so that your children build a sense of trust and rightness about the world, is a sign of your heroic generosity. But I hope that gentle Catholic parents can cultivate wisdom about what they need to thrive in their parenting vocation and how best to meet those needs amidst the demands on their time, bodies, and minds. God doesn’t mean for us to suffer unnecessarily.
Given we will be parenting one or more children for many, many years, it’s important that we honor the limits of our human bodies and use prudence to know when we need help, or when we to need to step back for a few minutes (or hours) to refuel. While we’re all called to self-donative love, we are also called to protect the gift God has given in us in our bodies and minds.
Self-Care Is a Virtue
Self-care isn’t selfish. It’s a virtue. Parents have a unique responsibility to care for themselves so that they’re better equipped to care for the children and others placed in their care. Through prudent self-care we can build resilience and strength to deal with the inevitable demands and struggles of our calling.
Of course, as with any virtue, there are extremes on both sides of the virtue of self-care. Self-centeredness is one extreme. If we always (or even usually) put our own needs first, especially to the detriment of those we are called to care for, it’s wrong and we miss the mark. Our culture seems to celebrate self-centeredness, even self-centered parenting, which I wrote about recently. At the other extreme, though, is self-neglect. I’m afraid some of us more gentle, attachment-minded parents might slip over into the self-neglect end of the spectrum too often.
Let me tell you, I’m guilty of this more than just occasionally. I’m currently in a “correct the course” mode, trying to bring more balance into my own life. I can become so caught up in homeschooling, reading to children, playing with children, cooking nourishing meals, creating a welcoming place for my family to gather, writing for this blog, teaching my writing classes, and doing other volunteer work that I become completely exhausted. (It made me tired just typing all that!) I develop neck strains, insomnia, fatigue, and anxiety.
Parenting requires a great deal of energy. It challenges us to handle stressful situations that can leave us strained emotionally, physically, and even spiritually. We need to heal from these demands so that we can give our children what they need. Of course if it were the right thing to do, we would parent ourselves straight into a coma, but it’s not the right thing to do. God wants us to live vibrant, joyful lives with our children. He actually wants to reach our hearts through our parenting. We can only be open to that work if we’re healthy and attentive enough to notice it.
There’s definitely a tension between meeting our need for self-care and our children’s need for generous, consistent love. My rule of thumb is that I always try to meet the legitimate need of the weakest member of my family first – the young, the sick, etc. This is inspired by the Principle of the Common Good in Catholic social ethics. As an extension of this, I also prioritize needs before wants in my house. So, sometimes I actually prioritize my own need for rest before a child’s desire for a playdate or something of that nature. Not always, but sometimes. My rule of thumb doesn’t always work perfectly, but it does seem that I am able to find more balance this way over time.
With this in mind, here are some practical tips for taking better care of yourself spiritually, physically, and emotionally even when you have children to care for.
Caring for Ourselves Spiritually
Most of us have no problem recognizing that we need to nourish ourselves spiritually, but we feel it’s difficult to find time for it. First off, recognize and celebrate the spiritual dimension of your vocation. Even the ordinary tasks of family life are holy because you are participating in the creative work of God. I’ve also found that in nurturing my children’s faith through our seasonal celebrations, attending Mass, and creating special family faith traditions, my own faith has deepened profoundly. It’s like I’m waking up to God’s presence right along with my kids. So, while I’m caring for my children’s faith life, I’m caring for my own as well.
Secondly, real friendships require conversation to grow, and that is why God longs to meet you in prayer. Your prayer life is a witness to your children about what is possible for them when they draw closer to God. However, finding time for prayer can be difficult when you’re a parent, especially if you have tiny children. When I had newborns, I learned that I needed to keep my prayer life very simple or it seemed to fade. I enjoyed having the Magnificat, a subscription prayer book that has daily prayers and short meditations. I think it takes me all of 5 minutes to have this prayer time, but it helps me start my day more aware of God’s presence in my mothering. It’s also very small in size, so you can nurse a baby while holding it!
As my youngest has matured, I am finding more time for developing my prayer life. If you have 15 minutes in the morning, I recommend The Better Part by John Bartunek, a series of meditations on the Gospels. I also enjoy praying an on-line rosary at Come Pray the Rosary. The website leads you through the rosary as you meditate on scenes from the Holy Land. These are just a few uncomplicated ways to begin deepening your life even when you have children.
We can also fit in time for personal prayer at ordinary times during the day: when we’re doing the dishes and come upon the same Thomas cup we’ve washed every day for years, while watching our children play together, or when bathing our toddler’s soft skin while he sings to himself. When these simple moments meet our wonder and gratitude, when we’re awake enough to notice them for what they are, praise flows naturally to Our Creator. This is prayer.
Caring for Ourselves Physically and Emotionally
It’s so easy to neglect yourself physically and emotionally when you’re a parent. We don’t mean for it to happen, but one day we find ourselves screaming at our 2 year old for dropping a bag of flour on the kitchen floor, and then we know our gas tank is on empty.
Be aware of those moments when you’re becoming really drained. When we recognize that we’re nearing the limits of our physical strength, we need to honor those signals. Honestly, it’s better for our kids if we do. We want to respond to our children with love and empathy, but when we become strained emotionally, our commitment to empathic parenting sometimes dissolves. We find ourselves doing things we later regret. So, care for yourself emotionally. Ensure you are treated with dignity and respect, just as you treat your children.
To ease pressure on your time, it’s okay for you to require your children (to the extent that they are able) to contribute to the smooth running of your home. Older siblings can care for younger siblings so they can all exercise their virtue muscles. The older child practices self-giving love while the younger children learn to accept love and care from the sibling which can be difficult if they are not accustomed to it. Older children may enjoy taking on cooking one night a week. All your children can learn to do daily chores and to at least help fold laundry. All my children except my youngest wash and fold their own clothes. (The folded clothes don’t always make into their dresser drawers, but it’s a start!)
To some people it seems unimportant, but staying in shape physically actually makes parenting easier! You’ll have heaps more energy for your parenting and it is showing appreciation for the body God has given us. When you have small or many children, it’s very hard to find time for fitness routines, but taking daily walks with the children or finding a good exercise DVD can go a long way toward sustaining your physical fitness. I’ve recently started a serious gym routine, including cardio and weight-lifting. I’ve increased the weights gradually, and I’m currently able to lift 80 pounds on the bicep curl machine. 80 pounds! Not only do a feel a sense of accomplishment (I never imagined I would be so strong!), but I have a lot more energy during the day and my mood seems to be more stable. My kids want me to arm wrestle my husband, but I don’t think we should go down that road . . .
Keep It Simple
Self-care doesn’t require a lot of time or money. In fact, building a simple life filled with small blessings is one of the best ways to nurture your whole family and yourself. The little vase of flowers above your sink, the knitting project you’re slowly working on, your favorite tea before bedtime, that single exquisite poem read over lunch, the stroll through your neighborhood with your dog and kids: these simple joys build self-care into your life and also create a joyful family atmosphere.
So, no, it isn’t wrong to consider your own needs. Yes, sometimes we put off meeting our needs in order to meet a more urgent need of a family member, but at some point there will be an opportunity to bring a little balance in. Take it. This is part of prudent parenting: knowing whose needs must be prioritized and when those needs will be met. Sometimes on this wild, fascinating parenting road, your welfare is the priority. Enjoy the view!
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This is an updated version of an article that originally appeared in the spring 2013 edition of Tender Tiding magazine.