This past weekend my kids were simmering with energy after they emerged from a week of being sick. They had a whole day free, so they decided to make a rope swing. They had to learn to use a saw safely, and Dad helped them use a power drill. They figured out where to put their swing, and climbed into the tree to rope it up. Then they spent the weekend playing on their swing, and sometimes doing tricks that made Mom wince!
I believe my kids were displaying what Dr. Gordon Neufeld calls a “venturing forth spirit.” When artificial stimulation is removed (no screens or other electronic distractions), what do our kids do? Do they become frozen in boredom, or does their boredom lead to exploration and discovery? All human beings are born with an emergent kind of energy that pushes them to grow, explore, and find their own unique calling in life. One aspect of this emergent energy is what Dr. Neufeld calls “the venturing forth spirit.”
How can you tell if your kids have a venturing forth spirit? What are some signs that it’s missing?
3 Signs of the Venturing Forth Spirit
1. She has a desire to explore.
Healthy children have a desire to go to the edge of the boundaries with which they’re familiar. So a two year old might be playing in his front yard, and he’ll have an impulse to see what’s down the street. He may not actually want to go down the street without us (and we shouldn’t let him), but he’s curious about what’s down there. We see this play out throughout childhood. After thinking about it for a few weeks, my 13 year old recently walked alone with a friend to a pizza parlor for the first time. They ordered their food, paid for it, ate together, and came home. They felt very grown-up and proud of themselves. When my oldest was getting ready to go to college, he was both anxious about leaving the comforts and familiarity of home, but he was also ready to test his wings away from home.
2. She is drawn to what is novel and unknown.
Healthy children are open to trying new things, and they’re enthusiastic, self-motivated learners as they try to make sense of the world. They experiment, build, investigate. My daughter Lydia (age 9) loves gardening. She reads about her plants and how to care for them, including where she should locate her plants in our back garden, how to nourish her plants, and how and when to prune them. I often see her sitting quietly reading gardening books. This is an unmistakable sign of that venturing forth spirit.
3. She shifts easily into emergent play and creative solitude.
Healthy children fill the empty spaces of life with their own projects and ideas; they don’t wait for somebody to tell them what to do. Emergent play is unstructured and creative, not scripted and controlled by grown-ups. Small children sometimes need suggestions if they are stuck in frustration during play, but generally children of all ages should be able to slip easily into non-structured play when their physical and emotional needs have been met. They’ve been fed, they’ve had their fill of snuggles, etc., and now they want to play.
Why Some Kids Lack the Venturing Forth Spirit
There are two related issues at play when kids lack this venturing forth spirit. First, the child may not feel secure in her relationship with her parents. Insecurely attached children are preoccupied with getting their attachment needs met. When you love children generously through the 6 modes of attaching which I talked about in this podcast, they are at rest in the relationship. Only when they are at rest can children get on with the task of growing up, including venturing forth in play and exploration.
Second, when parents try to hurry independence in the child, it backfires. We can’t force independence on a child; they take independence. Paradoxically, the more we meet our child’s dependency needs, the more the child will naturally pursue independence. If you push a child’s face into separation and independence, it actually makes the child more clingy and less independent. Clingy, anxious children lack the venturing forth spirit.
This venturing forth spirit won’t be present 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, but you should see this spark in your kids regularly. Sometimes our kids need to be held close by us emotionally; our generous love brings them to rest and that venturing forth spirit appears again. Sometimes this spirit comes in brilliant flashes, at other times just a flicker, but it’s a beautiful thing to observe.
Venturing Forth and the Virtue of Curiosity
When I think about these insights and our Faith, I can see that the venturing forth spirit is an example of the virtue of curiosity. Jesus often pointed to children as exemplars of faith because they are open to seeing and learning something new. Jesus often invited his followers to “come and see.” When we are wide-eyed and curious, we’re open not only to finding answers, but more importantly we come up with questions about the nature of the Divine and what it means to live a good life.
Of course, curiosity isn’t always wholesome. As people of faith, we have a moral code that helps us know when curiosity is healthy and virtuous, and when we’ve taken a wrong turn and we’re curious about something that will separate us from God. In this way, the venturing forth spirit (curiosity) leads to growth in other virtues, including prudence and wisdom.
Resources
It’s Not Just Child’s Play by Debbie MacNamara. Short article explaining the importance of unstructured play on brain development and well-being in children.
Play: How It Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination, and Invigorates the Soul by Stuart Brown. One of my favorite books! “Why play is essential to our social skills, adaptability, intelligence, creativity, ability to problem solve and more. Particularly in tough times, we need to play more than ever, as it’s the very means by which we prepare for the unexpected, search out new solutions, and remain optimistic.”