As Lent settles in, many parents feel like they got left behind when the spiritual renewal train left the station. In this terrific reflection over on God In All Things, Tony Krzmarzick reflects on how busy he is and how this affects him spiritually. He works intensively as a campus minister all day, then he returns home to face chores, cooking, and other duties. It seems unending to him: “Between work and home, I could spend all my time working on something. All of this work wearies me and leaves me exhausted.”
That’s how I feel sometimes. Between teaching my own children, teaching other folks’ children, writing my book, engaging in volunteer work in my community and parish, and attending to sick kids, scraped knees, dirty dishes, and piles of laundry, I could work non-stop 24 hours a day. And I’d still have tasks left over! Then let’s throw in family outings, fun sewing projects, and the many other things that make life delicious but also busier.
I wonder if I am over-committed, but everything I do seems important; I can’t imagine what I would give up without hurting somebody. But if I’m hurting myself, I won’t be much good to anybody. In my gentle parenting ministry, I often urge parents to find balance and to carve out moments of peace every, single day. I need to remember to heed my own advice. It’s imperative that I show up first for the children God has entrusted to me; they deserve more than the leftovers of me. Even more important, I need to show up for God, so that I can offer him my praise and gratitude.
I’m wondering and praying about this during Lent. One of the things I love most about being Catholic is that built into the rhythm of the Church calendar are these pauses when we turn inward, when we set aside time for self-examination and deeper prayer. I’m grateful for these reminders to slow down, take a Great Pause, and be honest with myself about who I’m becoming as a daughter of God.
What Are We Busy Doing?
Over-commitment can impact our entire family, and certainly our family faith during Lent. In this article, though, I want to focus just on mom and dad as Krzmarzick does, because it’s easy to forget out our own spiritual renewal. It’s hard for many of us to slow down and focus on our interior life during Lent, let alone anytime of the year, because our exterior life is full of distractions. For many parents, the pace of life can feel like it’s getting sucked into our lungs and stuck there so we can’t breathe out. Krzmarzick says he finds comfort in the Scripture passage “Come to me, all you who labor and are burdened, and I will give you rest” (Mt.11:28), but he wonders why he has to hit a wall before he can turn to Christ for rest.
“And God wants to give us rest because it is good and holy and necessary, not just when we are tired and weary from our labor, and not just when we need it and can’t go on without taking a break. We need regular rest because when we stop to rest we remember our blessings, and when we feel blessed, we turn to God in praise.”
We need rest not just to recover from all that hard work we’re doing, but so that we can pay attention to the transcendent. When we are crazy busy it’s certainly harder to pay attention, especially when we work ourselves into a haze. Krzmarzick shares that he gives God that attention through quiet meditation. He takes ten minutes to close his eyes, calm his mind, settle his heart, and rest so that he can notice God holding him in his hands.
While I agree with him, two things come to mind. First, sometimes busy-ness is unavoidable, even the kind of busy-ness that brings us to our knees. Parents with young babies who parent responsively are demonstrating extraordinary generosity, patience, and fortitude. Parents of a child who’s ill, distressed, or has special needs will naturally prioritize the needs of this child over their own needs. It’s hard. Sometimes we don’t sleep enough. Our bodies hurt. But we are doing the right thing. This is very different from the parent who is exhausted because they don’t know how to say “no” or they are over-committed because of pride or greed, however subtle.
Whether our exhaustion is a sign of spiritual trouble depends on several things, especially our motivations. Why are we doing what we’re doing? That’s what we need to ask ourselves if we are nearing an empty tank. Are our choices motivated by love or fear? Are our choices making it easier or harder to love God, others, and ourselves?
Into the Desert with Our Kids
Second, we can encounter God’s grace and mercy even amidst the chaos and noise of a house full of kids. Hopefully we can carve out some time every day for contemplative, restful, engaged prayer, but some days that’s a tall order. For some parents, closing their eyes for ten minutes seems unthinkable because they have several little ones crawling on their lap and hugging their legs. But we can still tap into those graces. We can pay attention not just during a ten-minute quiet time in the morning, but even during our ordinary tasks, even when we are feeling drawn away from God by our busy-ness.
In many ways, God is most evident to me in these real, messy, loud moments. In ordinary exchanges with my children, through the give and take of living together, every now and then grace breaks in and I am surprised, astonished by some small truth, and I realize what a gift my life is, what a gift each moment is with my family. If I can practice looking for God in these moments and preparing my heart for such encounters, I know they will come. Even when I’m running on empty, I can feel God holding me in his hands right there while the kids are wrestling on the sofa or riding their bikes on my lawn or putting beetles on the kitchen counter.
So, I don’t always need complete quiet in order to find rest. To find peace-amidst-chaos, I do have to pay attention, to be fully present in the moment. Sometimes we can be physically present but emotionally and spiritually absent. Our kids can draw us out of this funk.
Finding Personal Renewal
Still, Krzmarzick is right: even the very busiest of parents needs rest. We are indeed made not only for work, but also for rest, and we do find God in rest. Even Jesus rested: he went away to a deserted place to pray many times, and often completely alone.
Let’s not get stuck on inhale. This Lent, can we find some way to breathe out so we can pay attention? Can we find some way for alone time with God? Sometimes this kind of unrest occurs when we are in a state of spiritual expectation and transition, which is a sign of spiritual growth, but if we are burned out and physically spent, perhaps we can find some personal spiritual renewal by planning ahead and being flexible with our expectations.
Perhaps we can work with our spouse to ensure we both have time for prayer each morning, and Eucharistic adoration and meditation each week. Perhaps we can start a simple co-op with friends so all of us can have time for parish retreats and Friday Stations of the Cross. Keep it simple and be aware of the graces and opportunities for spiritual growth that God sends your way. Perhaps the sacrifice we need to make this Lent is doing everything ourselves, as Dr. Greg Popcak points out in this article. He points out:
“Self-sufficiency and independence can be great qualities to have, but there is true beauty and humility in acknowledging when we need help from others. Asking others for help can foster fruit in a variety of areas. We can develop our relationships with others when we let them into our lives in ways that allow them to take care of us in some way.”
So perhaps our Lenten sacrifice is to give up being the caretaker for a time, and allow others to care for us, so that they can experience of the graces of self-donative love. Just a thought.
Am I stuck on inhale or in state of joyful expectation? I’m currently considering my motivations and my relationship with God. Am I avoiding him or moving toward him? Am I seeking him or self-seeking? God is working on my heart, asking me to look at my choices and my assumptions about what I need and what my family needs to thrive. I will continue to wait, to pay attention, to ponder these things, as I work and as I rest during this Lenten season.
Resources
Lenten audio mediations at God in All Things. You can listen to these meditations while nursing a baby!
On-line Divine Office over at iBreviary
Grace Grows in the Trenches: 5 Minute Meditations for the Weary Catholic Mom by Ginny Kochis. This looks inspiring and easy to dive into even with little ones.
Image credit: Saletomic (Dreamtime.com)