“Do not conform yourselves to this age, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and pleasing and perfect.” Romans 12:2
In my first post on the signs of emotional health in kids, I talked about the venturing forth energy that leads secure kids to explore and create. In my second post, I talked about “tears of futility” as Gordon Neufeld explains them: healthy children are able to feel their sadness when they are confronted with disappointment; this sadness allows them to adapt and move on.
A third sign of emotional health in our children is social integrity. A child has social integrity when she can hold on to her sense of herself as a separate being even while with others. Being a healthy, well-socialized person means that we can be ourselves while in community, and we can respect others in the community while being ourselves. As Catholics, we know that being a “good” person is not the same things as being a chill dude or never challenging ideas. Knowing who I am as a Christian means that sometimes I have to stand out or take a stand. Being invisible is not an option.
Many children are made to feel that they should just be nice no matter what, that as long as they are getting along with others, then we are pleased with them. So they do whatever it takes to make other people like them or accept them. Terrible idea.
While being part of the flock can keep the sheep safe, sometimes the flock is running toward the edge of a cliff and they’re all in danger. Sometimes we’re wise to be the lone sheep that has second thoughts and stands alone. It’s okay to step away from the cliff, even if the other sheep laugh at you.
Of course, we do want our children to have manners and to possess social graces. However, we don’t want our children to go along to get along, to be nice no matter the circumstances. We want our children to have the courage to say no when they aren’t comfortable with a proposition, to voice their opinions even in the face of opposition, even to become angry if circumstances justify it.
Very young kids aren’t capable of this kind of integrity, at least not consistently. They need a parent or another responsible adult around to keep them emotionally safe and grounded. Our hope is that by the time our kids are teenagers, they can sit with their peers without disappearing into the group. This is part of the integrative process: this is the process by which we humans make sense of our strengths and weaknesses, our interests, our histories, etc. so that a cohesive, authentic personality can emerge from the different parts. Of course this integration is a process that lasts a lifetime, but it should get a kick start in the teen years.
Most teens today are failing adolescence because they are failing the tasks of integration. They can’t hold on to themselves when they are with their peers; they can’t hold on to their values or their identity. Instead they disappear and become like their peers in order to be liked or admired. We assume it’s “normal” for teens in a group all to look and sound the same, to hold the same opinions, to have the same hobbies. Yes, it’s become the norm, but it’s not healthy.
These kids are stuck in immaturity. One of the most important developmental tasks of adolescence is for a teen to find her unique gifts and personal calling, to identify the mission God has planned for her. As they move toward greater individuation and integration, our children have to contemplate who they are now and who God is calling them to be, where they are now and where God is calling them to go.
Healthy children yearn to discover what makes them unique and unrepeatable, but many youth today resist anything that will make them appear different from their peers. They go along to get along. They say yes because everyone else is doing it. They laugh because everyone else is laughing. They don’t know where they end and their peers begin.
So, yes, we teach our child manners, but we teach him, too, that doing the right thing can sometimes make others angry with us. Loving others means we do what is best for them, even if they don’t like what we have to say. We teach our child that while we can speak with gentleness and diplomacy, we should never sacrifice the truth in order to get along with the crowd.
Yes, we encourage our child’s friendships, but we guard his time, so that he has opportunities for self-discovery, reflection, prayer, and soul searching. We nurture the roots of attachment so that our child looks to us for cues about what makes him valuable instead of his peers, because it’s really only in the context of healthy attachment to safe and trusted adults that he can really mature.
As he matures, our child’s example might inspire others to follow him away from the edge of the cliff.
Resources
Hold On to Your Kids by Gordon Neufeld, especially chapter 9 (“Stuck in Immaturity).
The Neufeld Institute, especially the 8-session course “Making Sense of Adolescence.”
Image credit: Kevin Carden (dreamstime.com)